Basic Rules for a Cat
Who Has a House to Run
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.
If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your
forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside
door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think
about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, and the mosquito
season.
GUESTS
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit
on that lap! If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish
N' Glop on your breath, so much the better. When
sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
a fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For
example, white furred cats go well with black wool clothing.
For a guest who claims "I love kitties," be ready with
aloof disdain, apply claws to stocking, or use a quick
nip on the ankle.
When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be
prepared to look surprised and hurt if scolded. The
idea is to convey "But you allow me on the table when
company is not here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
WORK
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
helping, otherwise known as hampering.
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and
consoled.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
the eyes and the book unless you can lie across the
book itself.
For knitting projects, curl quietly into the lap of the
knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out
and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause
dropped stitches or spilled yarn. The knitter may try
to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper the work.
THE CAN OPENER
Everything having to do with a can opener pertains to
you. Be sure to remind your human of this often.
Whenever you hear the metallic pop of a can being
opened, run into the kitchen at full speed and demand
to be fed, whether you are hungry or not. Even if it
turns out to be really yucky stuff like beets or
something, the human will often give you a kitty treat
to show you that they are dedicated to the Universal
Can Opener Rule.
PLAY
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so
that you are fresh for playing catch mouse or
king-of-the-hill on your human's bed between 2:00 and
4:00 a.m.
Begin people training early. You will then have a
smoothly running household. Humans need to know the
basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and
are consistent.
Thanks Di, love the blinkie!
